To Flirt or Not To Flirt
Okay, I am writing this blog (finally) for my friend. She texted me a while back about flirting. Actually, she texted me at the end of June and I started writing this one at the end of September. What can I say: Thanks Friend for waiting on me.
People ask me questions about sex and relationships with the idea that I will have an immediate answer on tap. Sometimes it is that easy. However, most of the time it is not. Answers should be catered and customized to the specific needs and circumstances of the questioner. This requires trust, honesty and radically open communication, including as regards the background of both partners, as well as their history and origins as a couple.
So… the question from my friend:
Do you have a blog on flirting? A friend wants her husband to flirt with her, but it sounds like he doesn’t know how or what to do.
This is a fabulous topic. It is a rather large topic. I narrowed down what she meant: How does she want him to flirt with her? My friend: I’m thinking she would like some light touching when she walks past him. I’m thinking she would like him to be “nicer,” (there is a word in Spanish that really nails this concept of flirtatiousness: cariñoso. To be cariñoso is to act “sweetheartedly,”, like one acts towards one’s sweetheart. Think puppy love and all the adoration and affection that flows from it). In short: she would like more attention. She wants to talk to him at night, but he’d seemingly rather do anything else. I will get back to answering her specific questions at the end of this article.
To flirt or not? That is the question. The answer? Absolutely yes. Flirting is perfect for relationships (or for singles). We are sensual beings, and love when other people make things about us. Touch, intimacy, and passion is the key with others. Acceptance of self and self love is necessary to give love freely to others. There are many ways to flirt, however, your friend should tell her husband exactly how she would like him to flirt with her. Everyone is different and how can he know if she doesn’t say?
List of Flirting Techniques
Disclaimer: I strongly suggest you just ask the person you want to flirt with what they enjoy.
💘 Giggling with one another. If you can make me laugh then I’ll basically do whatever you want. I like giggling, but I also like laughing until I snort.
💘 Showing thoughtful attention. Listen, I love attention. I’m a hoe for attention. It makes me feel loved and calm and special. Put attention towards your lover, friends, etc. It is time well spent.
💘 Light touching. This can be done quickly as you are passing in the kitchen. For example, Kyle is not walking past without me touching him. If we are both home and in the living room, I will ask why he is not all over me.
💘 Holding Hands. This is an easy one. Make sure your hands are clean. Hold your partner’s entire hand or loop your fingers into theirs.
💘 Cuddling. Another fantastic way to get super close. Have some bedroom pillow quiet talk and cuddle to sleep. Switch it up by playing “big spoon and little spoon.” Kyle is not a cuddler and can take it or leave it. He does make an effort to do it though, and tolerates it because he knows I love it. I sleep on this man at night, at least my leg or arm or something. Or on top of him. And let me tell you: if I give him a really fabulous handjob, he will thank me (there has not been a time to date that he has not said a sincere Thank you afterwards), and then he cuddles up perfectly. Like, really cuddles up and I just love it.
💘 Sexting. This does not have to be sexual. You can send a text message when your partner is away at work just to let them know you are thinking about them. Or you can send a NSFW text. Kyle and I text every now and again. However, we are different in our senses of humor. I really like memes and he really likes reels. He has a lot more time on his hands during the day than I do and reels just do not do it for me. I also have to explain memes to him and he mostly doesn’t think the ones I find are funny. If Kyle is sexting with me, he will tell me later at home, I was sexting with you earlier. I will giggle and tell him I know. When I tell you he is nerdy, I really mean it.
💘 Compliments. This is a form of flirting I am sure we have all interacted with over the years. I freely give out compliments if I like something about someone else. If you like that girl’s hair at the bakery, tell her. When I have conversations with the people closest to me or even clients, I am sincere. I say exactly how I think of something. Now sometimes tone and words get lost in translation. I clarify and ensure they have understood me. I had this one guy years and years ago who was kind of mean to me. He gave the opposite of compliments. I would slow blink and remove myself from the conversation. Imagine my surprise when he asked me on a date. Me: No, you are not nice to me. I am not interested. Then he was actually baffled. Maybe some people like this meanish flirting. Not this chick. My ex will send me ex memes sometimes, which is totally odd since I was the only magical one that was also top tier in the intimacy department for him. I always have a smartass comment or a better meme for him. However, this
is a little different than being outright mean, he is being funny and not malicious. He is actually an extremely good person. We both have the same humor and he is my kind of funny.
I strongly suggest that you do not flirt with an agenda. Just flirt. Don’t not flirt with your partner because they didn’t do the dishes or whatever other chore you want to insert here. Give love freely. When we attach love (or sex) to the dishes, being a “good” parent, household chores, having a birthday, etc. this leads to resentment. Resentment is an intimacy killer. Nobody wins in the withholding of love. Nobody.
Specific Answers For My Friend
Q: Do I have a blog post on flirting?
A:Yes, here it is.
Q: A friend wants her husband to flirt with her but it sounds like he doesn’t know how or what to do.
A: This is simply untrue. Everyone flirts(and should). The only difference between people flirting is the style used. He most likely knows exactly how she likes and accepts flirting. The issue is not that he doesn’t know what to say or what to do. The issue is that he is not putting the effort into her. What is he prioritizing over flirting? And why is he not prioritizing her?
My Question to her: How does she want him to flirt with her?
Her Answer: I think touching when they walk past each other, being thoughtful, and paying more attention. She wants to talk to him at night but he’d rather do anything else.
A:Ta-Dah. This is when she actually says he is choosing other things. If you want your man to touch you, say: touch me. I do not see him turning her down. Then tell him where on your body you want to be touched. If he does turn you down, send him over here and I will find out what’s the breakdown. Or just have him call me on the phone, my communication skills are top notch. If you wait around for someone to do something and you did not specifically let them know, you could be waiting for a long while.
Another point to bring up (though I did not get this vibe from the conversation with her) is that honestly, men will do exactly what their partner wants if they are the chosen one. If he isn’t touching you or giving a little squeeze on your butt as you pass each other in the kitchen (if you have asked), you may not be the one Sis.
If a man wants a woman, he will prioritize her and do exactly what brings her happiness. You won’t have to nag for love or attention, I promise you this. I didn’t get this vibe from her, but I think it’s important to bring up. If you feel like you are giving 99% of the effort in the relationship and it has been quite a while since your partner has shown up for you, talk to them and be open to seeing a third party to help find out why the breakdown occurred, and if it can be repaired.
Sometimes it is just as simple as this: you are not the one. I’ve seen men leave a long-term relationship that was just so-so for both partners, only to meet a woman soon after, get engaged at 6 months, and be happily married (while being a spectacular partner to the new chick). If you have to constantly remind them to help you move the bricks, they are not worth building with. The one whom your soul is searching for will not leave you feeling like you have to nag for intimacy, flirting, or whatever it is that you are seeking in the relationship.
Q: Being nicer.
A:What is the hang up of not being nice? Stress, Family, Kids, Job, etc.? I can go on and on with this list, as I am sure we all can. Life is wild. But what exactly is hindering him from being nice to her? How can he let the non-relationships thing go in order to be kinder to her? This is a list all on its own.
How To Prioritize Your Partner
💘 More attention. Why isn’t there attention in the relationship? List out the other items in your life that are taking all the attention. If the kids are young, and a lot of attention is being given to them, that is great. Kids need attention and love and care. However, if your partner is feeling disconnected, and needs one-on-one time, it is important for that partner to say so and make the plans. Kyle has told me a few times over the years that he needed time with just me, like extended time. One time he wanted a week-long vacation without the children.
Thanks to my one friend that did go on a week vacation (or two, I can’t remember the length right now *giggle at the word length*) without his kids, maybe Kyle did need just me, or maybe he was like: wow, an actual vacation, and maybe he was a little jealous. Anyway, let’s face it: if you take the kids on vacation it is their vacation, and you will just be trying your best to keep them alive, fed and happy somewhere that is not your home.
Well, a week without my kids was not something I wanted at that time (or even now). My limit is about 2 full days. We took a weekend trip and he was happy and it was just enough time for me to be away from my kids. You can make it work, if you want to. Don’t let the excuses or the planning deter you from trying to make something work with your partner, especially if they are asking, and especially if they express that they need just you. Another small note to add: children require tons of energy, time, and love, but if you are leaving your spouse on the backburner because you are not prioritizing them, are you really setting the example of family or love that you want your kids to see?
💘 Talking at night. Does he know she wants to talk? Again, specifically say I would like to talk with you every night, at this time, since it is quiet and we can turn the distractions off. I love to talk and I will go on and on. Kyle works wild hours and sometimes he will say to me I love listening to you, but I am falling asleep. Or sometimes he just falls asleep and I’ll go back to my work until I get tired. I have a friend that talks throughout the day to his wife. Kyle and I both work full time, so we do not do this and this idea was completely wild to me. I mean, they both go to the same house each day. Wild. If Kyle calls me then it is an emergency.
We do spend mindful time with each other whenever we are not working. Our cell phones are normally out of sight in the home. We did this about 5 years ago pretty loosely, and began employing minimal cell phone use in the house about 3 years ago. We give our attention to what is occurring right then, right there, in real life.
💘 Put the technology aside. This is easier to do than you think. Go head, place the phone in the drawer. Close the drawer. Live life. Family dynamics will improve, and relationship happiness will increase.
Kyle used to drive a truck for a company doing route relief, which meant he covered routes where the driver was on vacation, out sick, etc. He did have to check his route nightly. He would check, get his start time together, and focus on what he needed for the next day. Then the phone would go away.
Sometimes the kids would roast him and say: are you checking your routeeee? (You know, all exaggerated the way tiny humans do). I have a small side gig and I work when the timing lines up, which does include my phone, but once the work is done, my phone also goes away. If you want help paring back the technology in your home, in order to build and maintain a more loving and mindful space within your home, I’m the best at that and can help you. This minimal-tech-in-the home technique has worked wonders for us.
I love flirty people. Are you a flirty person? Message me your best lines or best flirting story. I would love to hear it. Friend: I hope this article helps your friend. If you need the information to be more expansive or specifically catered, have them email or call me directly. Kyle and I are at level 12 in our time of knowing each other. We love flirting with one another.
Relationships can still be exactly what you want them to be in the flirting and intimacy department, even after years and kids and jobs take their toll. Whatever it is that is hindering you, this is an invitation to re-examine your priorities, and enjoy being flirty and amorous with your partner again.
With Love,
Heidi
P.S.- My friend once asked a girl “You want to make a baby?” I am not making this up. I did that slow blink thing. She didn’t respond and kept walking. It’s not the best line I have ever heard, but I still giggle about it to this day.
