The Dead Bedroom: Causes and Solutions
Are you currently mired in a dead bedroom relationship?
Let’s unpack this dreaded “dead bedroom” scenario. How did this occur? You both remember the years of steamy sex, candlelit baths and kinky showers. They don’t even seem that long ago. So what happened? Dead bedrooms don’t develop overnight, and they can arise for a variety of reasons. There is no clear definition of “dead bedroom,” and the specifics of the situation can vary widely. If one partner is left feeling underappreciated, longs for unrequited intimacy, is resentful, or feels sad and frustrated in the relationship due to loss of intimacy and lack of sex, then I’m afraid the dreaded dead bedroom is present.
Have you ever been in a conversation where you pretended your relationship is fine, healthy, and everything you want it to be? I recall a conversation years ago with a friend. She said she started having to make excuses to keep her husband off her. Our other friend agreed. Except that years later, the agreement friend and her soulmate filed for divorce. She admitted some time later that it was just easier to say that everything was well, instead of admitting that her husband and her were having major intimacy issues.
Dead bedrooms survive (and thrive) in the dark. If you are finding yourself in a relationship where you are maintaining the facade that you are happy with your sex life, while in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth, being honest with yourself and your partner will save you. The truth shall set you free, so to speak. Yes, it does indeed take some courage to throw in the towel and admit the bedroom is dead. However, your happiness matters far more than your perceived embarrassment. The people you surround yourself with will make or break you, especially when they are your spouse or partner. Make sure they have a reason to be in your life, and that they make it better. Or call me and I will listen and consult on your setup.
My friend asked me the other day: if I were to trade Kyle for another man for a night, what instructions would Kyle leave for this replacement gentleman? I laughed. I love this friend, he has a beautiful mind. Kyle would write the following on a note card: brush her hair, give a whole body massage with shea butter and extra light touch, have sex (if she wants, she does), ask if she wants her clothes back on, tuck her in with her blanket, cuddle.
What are you writing on your note card for the hypothetical trade? Is it something like: slam the evening together, try to have sex with my wife (or husband), hoping it is the one day a week we do it, figure out something else if it is a no, have sex if yes, sleep? This was extra funny from my friend. However, what would your card say, and are you happy with it? I hope you are happy with your card.
Keeping Secrets
Do you extravagantly contort the truth to preserve the appearance of a happy marriage and spectacular sex life? This two-facedness is draining and unhealthy. Communicate your needs to your partner, clearly. If you long for intimacy, express that in no uncertain terms to the partner you have chosen. If you desperately need sex on a regular basis (and news flash- most of us do), say that definitively. Sex is a basic human need, and if you have read anything else I have written, or if you know me personally, you know that I do not believe withholding sex is ever healthy, or that it accomplishes anything positive in the end.
Loneliness, and not being loved the way you desperately need, will have you making bad decisions and keeping secrets. Repress a basic need, and you will confront a crisis. Hungry people will eat when there is food present. The same goes for individuals who are not loved in the way they desire – and deserve. Don’t let the humans you have chosen for your inner circle be lonely in this lifetime. Love them properly, or let someone else. I promise you, with all the people in the world, there is definitely someone for everyone. Individuals in sexless relationships will (at some point statistics show) make a decision that they wouldn’t otherwise even put on the table. This varies from each individual and can run the gamet from talking, confiding, emotional connections, and flirty texting, to hookups, booty calls, and even to starting an entirely new relationship with another person. Communicate clearly. Secrets are not healthy in relationships.
The Role of Guilt
At some point, for some reason, you chose your partner. Now, however, it is becoming unbearable sleeping in the same bed while you could be out happily getting your needs met. You know this because you met someone who is wonderful. However, there is that feeling of guilt because you are keeping a rather large secret from your partner. Do you know what road most choose once they finally find someone that will give them exactly what they want? They choose the extra-relationship flirting, sexting, and eventually sex. Guilt is an emotion, just like any other. However, it does not keep individuals faithful in a relationship. Guilt fades.
Stand-Ins for Sex
There is no substitute for sex. If you long for an emotionally deep connection with another, a pair of new shoes, purse, or shopping spree is not going to cut it. Having sex is such a connecting experience. Spending mindful time with another who you trust, love, and enjoy being around really builds an emotional bond. Not to mention, the warmth of cuddling, connecting, reconnecting (this is the best after a long trip), and sharing your time with a partner is no comparison to a new pair of shoes. Sex is a basic human need. The relationship must have a balance of masculine and feminine energy to maintain any type of sexualness to be shared between both partners. A material object may satisfy for a little while, but long-term it will not satisfy the way deep connection sex does with your soulmate. For me, I need a partner that cannot get enough of me. Whenever Kyle sees clingy memes, he sends them to me. I am all of them x10. I love closeness, holding hands, and feeling loved.
Is it Them or Is it You?
This might be hard to hear, but I think it is a good time to bring it up. Are they getting what they need from you on an emotional level? News flash, most feminine energy individuals are the more emotional ones in relationships. There are exceptions. However, there must be a feminine and masculine energy present in the relationship. If disconnect is present in the relationship, sex might be further from their mind because of this issue. This is a short list of what they may be missing from the intimacy and connection department.
Are you showing up for them in life and in the relationship?
Are there personal or professional stress factors right now?
Who has the lower sex drive? Discuss this in detail. Sometimes it is not a sex drive mix-up, but the result of deeper problems within the relationship. These deep-rooted issues are the real cause of the lack of sex. Most feminine energy havers are pleasers, so if she is withholding sex, it means she is not getting what she needs from you. Sex requires an enormous amount of surrender, of letting go. Deep issues in a relationship, especially a lack of emotional intimacy, will make this sort of surrender very difficult, if not impossible.
Masculine energy havers: are you displaying your masculine energy and leading the way in your relationship? A friend asked me one time who made most of the decisions in my relationship. Then she giggled because she assumed it was me, and insinuated that it was a crazy question to ask. What a shock then when I informed her that Kyle leads, because he supplies the masculine energy in my relationship. Does he tell me what to do in bed, yes. I love it, and so does he (compatibility is awesome). We switch it up every now and again, but mainly it is my desire that he leads.
Outside the bedroom, he also makes decisions. At the very beginning of our relationship, it was wonderful that he would lead. For example, he will simply tell me: dinner at this restaurant, at this time, I will pick you up at 6pm. I appreciated this. I don’t need to be bothered with a million questions for something as simple as dinner. I like when Kyle takes care of it. I didn’t waste my energy, we spent time together, and all was well. He switched jobs years ago, so that was a pretty big adjustment for him. I did notice that he would ask me more questions than normal through that. I told him I would charge him $5 for every question. It only lasted a bit and he was back to normal. If you want a man to lead, tell him and let him. Another quick side story: I am better at being the feminine energy, but I won’t blindly follow someone who has a major lack of confidence, is unstable, or who is not well educated on the topic on the table. There are many other items that I won’t allow near me, nor will I follow. This will save you some headache. If they are lacking confidence in the subject, or are not educated on the subject, then say no and make your own way.
What Happened to the Spark?
Why exactly is your partner not prioritizing sex with you? What are they choosing instead? You need to be able to answer these questions. Take your time and reflect on the following:
● Has your partner done something that you have not forgiven them for?
● Have you done something that your partner has not forgiven you for?
● Did your partner do a certain thing, and from that time you started to pull away?
Do You Play the Shame Game?
Perhaps in the beginning of the dead bedroom scenario, questions and worries crossed your mind, such as: maybe if I was sexier, or younger, or in better shape… then my partner would want me sexually.
These are the types of thoughts that pop into one’s head at the beginning of the dead bedroom conundrum, once the sex starts to significantly diminish. You can try diet tips, working out, and any other self-improvement. In the end, you will find that you get tired of that entire game. It is not you. Everyone is who they are. Sometimes it’s just a bad sex drive matchup that cannot be cured. Sometimes you make a bad pick in a partner. Sometimes your partner is a good person, but does not match up with your desires and is unwilling to meet you where you are.
There are a lot of people to choose from, and I believe if you put in effort infused with good energy, you will find someone who is perfect for you, the real you, and who is absolutely thrilled to give you what you are seeking physically.
Do you smile on the outside to protect your partner, but feel as if you are dying on the inside? Desire, both desiring and being desired, is a powerful emotion and everybody is inclined to seek it out. We can’t help but desire others, and who in turn wouldn’t want to be desired?
Dead bedrooms grow in the dark, and they thrive on lies and shame. Do not dwell there. I am not saying go shouting from the rooftops that you are in a dead bedroom (unless this is what you need to heal). I am encouraging you to move on, don’t settle, and become the passionate lover you feel inside. To clarify, I am certainly not saying to find a girlfriend or boyfriend without letting your partner know, because that is a very large secret, and secrets cause problems in the realm of sex. However, I beseech you to communicate openly about your desires, wants, and needs. Don’t be timid and please don’t feel ashamed! Your desires are natural, and they deserve to be met.
I hope you are strong enough to search for what you deserve, desire, and need, if your partner is unwilling to repair the relationship. There are many people on this planet, and there are many handy apps to connect you to the people who are looking for you. Another thought to ponder: Every day you stay in your unfulfilling relationship, you are making someone wait for you. Trust me, they are out there searching for you. Love is healing and sex most definitely heals. Find the people that are meant to be around you.
“Our Marriage is Great, Except the Sex”
This one is a doozy. It is just untrue. One cannot survive without the other. My friend told me once that his marriage is “easy.” His sex life is absolutely not exactly what he would choose. I also think he makes choices that he otherwise would not make if he had a happy sex life. Porn is consistently watched, and I don’t believe it would even be present if he was in a relationship filled to the brim (and messily overflowing) with love, intimacy, and regular sex.
Sex touches so many parts of our life, I cannot imagine sacrificing a hot sex life for an “easy marriage.” I like to be engaged, grow, and have intelligent sex that makes my soul beyond happy, on a regular and consistent basis. If I asked my friend if he would pick easy or what I just described, I think he would choose the latter. Who wouldn’t? I asked Kyle one day, “Do you believe our relationship is easy?” He smiled and said: “No, I would never use that word.” Easy things do not occur often, and they rarely inspire real growth. Everything or anyone that has ever meant something to me was not easy. Rather, it involved an exceptional amount of effort. Easy is not a good word, in my opinion, to describe a relationship.
Easy. Ugh. People: avoid easy, please, it is not fulfilling. Choose the path that sustains you, motivates you, and fulfills your desires. Choose the path that fills your soul with happiness. Having a fulfilling sex life looks different for everyone, but it should make you feel whole, satisfied, inspired, and complete. If you are not fulfilled, then what are you going to do about it?
With all that said, are you in a dead bedroom, or have you been in one in the past? If the former, you don’t have to stay in one. If the latter, how did you get out? Chat me.
With love,
Heidi
