My wife says my relationship is inappropriate with my colleague.
My short answer without reading your whole email: You wife communicated to you that she feels it is inappropriate. Believe her, she is specifically letting you know her thoughts on the relationship. It’s inappropriate. Story and lengthy advice below.
Story I received by email and my advice below:
I accepted a new position and a coworker (female) who use to work with me began texting me more often. She began sending me pictures, all G rated. I responded with “Nice”, thinking nothing of it. Her tone changed somewhere after my promotion (still at the same company). She was more flirty (I was not) after I was promoted to a different department. We started messaging daily and I built a friendship with her. I had lunch with her once in her office to catch up when she was having a bad day.
I was working from home one day and my wife (My work friend is single.) overheard our video meeting. My wife checked my chat history that night when I was sleeping. She was livid. She said it was an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. She accused me of flirting, entertaining her flirting with me, and being emotionally involved.
Sometimes her good morning messages are the highlight of my day. She has let me know that she appreciates me and that I am helpful to her when she is having an off day. I do not feel like I have crossed a line, but my wife says that I have. My wife works from home for a much smaller company, so I think she doesn’t understand the corporate world. I do not feel like I crossed a line and believe this was a healthy friendship with my colleague. My wife is mad and says this is completely inappropriate. Please let me know your thoughts.
FROM HEIDI: A LINE WAS CROSSED. Anything or anyone that makes your wife uncomfortable is a big NO. Another woman flirting with you at the office or over text message seems like a boundary for your wife and your marriage. Corporate job or work from home job, it matters not. A line was crossed.
It seems to me that unrelated work messages were sent and an emotional relationship formed. A single woman should not be calling or texting you when she has a rough day on a regular basis. My advice to your ex work friend: Tell her to tap that health insurance your company offers and find a good therapist if she is having many off days. Or she could make a friend that would enjoy her flirtiness. Please look into the amount of energy you were freely giving away to her. We all have limited time each day. I would encourage you to be mindful on how you spend it.
Use these questions to ponder further: Would you both still have used the same tone in speaking to one another if your wife was sitting right next to you? Would you still have responded the same way to her messages or pictures if your wife was able to see your phone as it was unfolding? Do you think your wife would have been hurt seeing anything you (or her) wrote, hearing anything you (or her) said, or uncomfortable at any of the pictures that were shared? Even if your behavior was not flirty, hers was. It seems that your wife has a boundary with flirty conversations.
You wife communicated to you that she feels it’s inappropriate. Believe her, she is specifically letting you know her thoughts. It’s inappropriate. Wife is correct in this situation, in my opinion. It was an inappropriate relationship. Apologize to wife, seek forgiveness from her, and cut the other woman off. Life already has enough sad and difficult moments, do not add more to your own wife’s life if you can help it.
PLEASE NOTE: This advice is for this specific email client. He called and followed up with me, as it is HARD to coach over email. More details: He is in a monogamous relationship with his wife. Wife was not aware of the lunch. Wife was also not aware of the friendship. Wife would have been upset at the coworkers tone in some of the messages and over the phone if she had heard.
