My wife is mad with me and we are going through an extremely rough time in our marriage and in life. Our anniversary is coming up and she says she doesn’t want to exchange gifts (We always have done in the past.) or celebrate. This feels wrong to me. Please tell me what you think I should do.
My short answer: Anniversary’s are a huge deal and should be celebrated if one or both people want to celebrate. Everything should be celebrated in my opinion. Who doesn’t want an excuse to buy a cake, steak, new crystal, or <insert something you like>. I would ask her calmly to give you three ideas on gifts she would like for the anniversary and some suggestions for a new dinner place to try. Write a letter to her or email to initiate that you want to do something for the anniversary to celebrate the two of you.
Story I received by email and my advice below:
My wife is mad with me and we are going through an extremely rough time in our marriage and in life. Our anniversary is coming up and she says she doesn’t want to exchange gifts (We always have done in the past.) or celebrate. This feels wrong to me. We are on a budget because my hours were scaled back last year and we are still playing catch up on the bills. However, we are able to afford to go out to eat and buy gifts for one another, which is what we normally do at Anniversary time. Her and I are not seeing eye to eye on a rather large argument that almost ended our marriage last year because I crossed a boundary I did not know we had in our marriage. We are working through our differences and communicating better. Please tell me what you think I should do. While I understand we are mad with one another, I do not want her to be more upset because I did nothing for our anniversary.
It is normal to fixate on dates or special events. Anniversaries connect us to the person we love. Love is worth celebrating. It is healthy to care for your wife even if she is mad with you.
Acknowledge the anniversary is coming up. Yay! You made it to another anniversary.
Ask: I would like to plan a date out with only you. If you have children: Would you like me to call babysitter a or babysitter b?
Ask: Would you like to eat here or here? Or would you like to try a new place?
Make a homemade card. Write about your love for your wife, your happiness that your marriage has sustained the hurt caused, and something nice about your spouse. Share hopes for the next year of marriage, let her know you are committed to repairing your marriage, and that you seek forgiveness from her and to give forgiveness to her. Only include this because you are going through a rough patch. Share future goals and plans you have for her and with her.
Best wishes on the repair of your marriage and I hope the anniversary celebration is the best one yet!
PLEASE NOTE: This advice is for this specific email client. He called and followed up with me, as it is HARD to coach over email. More details: Husband and wife are repairing their marriage and neither have completely moved on from a large argument that almost ended the marriage (Infidelity- sexting another woman. Wife was fine with him texting her, but had no idea sexting was occurring. Husband did not share with wife when relationship went from texting to sexting.) Husband leads, but his confidence is shaken after large argument. Wife has trust issues present. Husband does not want to skip the celebration of their anniversary.
